Parental Script messages: I'm Okay... If you're like me!
Script... A decision I have made about myself, others and the world. Having made that decision I have 'ways of being' or responsive's, depending on where I am, who I am with or the situation I find myself in.
" Script... No matter what happens in a play or a production... always stick to the script!". " Every play needs its actor."
I'm Okay... I have Intrinsic value just by being alive which can never be taken away irrespective of what I do, say or Achieve
I was really excited the day that I bought my son his first Lego set! As a child, I had a passion for building toys which I wanted my son to get into. I wanted us to bond over something that I knew he was going to enjoy (Can you guess where this is going lol..). We sat down together and started to build, it was difficult at times but we both worked well together and built something that I was proud of (have you noticed the amount of I’s that have been used?) He was proud of it too. We got out the little figures that come with it, built them so he was ready to play. My son was very excited about this part. I left him alone to play for a bit, came back and noticed that he wasn’t playing with the Lego properly! He had pretty much broken the main structure of the building and he was using some of the Lego pieces as characters in his game! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I spoke to him briefly about putting the pieces back together and the right way he should be playing. The next time I saw him he was doing the same thing. In my head, I’m thinking “Why is he not playing with it correctly?” “Does he need some training on how to play with Lego appropriately?”. Deep down what I was thinking was.. “Why is he not playing with the Lego the way I played with it? My way is correct his way is wrong, he looks silly, there’s more work to be done to make him more like me…” There have been so many examples where I have felt not OK because my kids haven’t been doing things the way I would have done it and I am sure I am not the only one that has fallen into this script. This mindset robbed me at times from really appreciating the uniqueness of my kids, the fact that children grow up at different rates and most importantly… there are other ways of doing this and that’s Ok, it doesn’t mean that I have failed or didn’t teach them correctly. The latter has been a journey of looking at my kids as who they are rather than measuring them to who I am or was. For me, this script is sometimes driven by a belief that If they don’t do things my way they will fail! I’ve really come to understand that my heart is in the right place e.g. a desire for them to be successful and do things right, however, I was motivated by fear. I now really try to’ see’ my kids and become aware of their resourcefulness, intelligence and resilience.
Remember that we are raising them and not a child version of ourselves.
Embrace their uniqueness and encourage them to find new ways of doing things.
Believe in your Children! They are stronger and better than you think they are.. they just show it differently!