Parental Script Messages I'm Okay... If you're Successful
Script... A decision I have made about myself, others and the world. Having made that decision I have 'ways of being' or responsive's, depending on where I am, who I am with or the situation I find myself in.
" Script... No matter what happens in a play or a production... always stick to the script!". " Every play needs its actor."
I'm Okay... I have Intrinsic value just by being alive which can never be taken away irrespective of what I do, say or Achieve
“Why is he not understanding this work?!” “He should be able to do this by now!”. Many of my difficult moments as a parent have come when I have put a demand on my children to be successful/achieve to satisfy my own hidden agenda; “When you achieve it lets me know that I am doing well when you fail or find things difficult it is because I have failed... I don’t like that feeling” This script message has crippled us as parents by taking out growing and making mistakes as a necessary part of success. Whilst also placing parents in the position of water and the child simply just a vessel to contain all the information and experience which is shared. It doesn’t take into consideration that children mess up… Yes! Children will mess up! No matter your educational background, the strategies you use, children at some point will find things difficult and do the wrong thing. And that is OK! My biggest freedom came when I refused to allow my child's success or difficulties to dictate my Okness. I realised that parent and child BOTH have a part to play in growing and learning and each person owns responsibility for their portion. E.g. Parent is responsible for creating a safe environment where mistakes can take place, the child's responsibility is to grab a hold of that opportunity and make the mistakes necessary to grow and learn etc. Another reason for the script message is because we as parents judge other parents for their child’s behaviour. Now be honest with me, you have seen that child not listening in public and thought “ If that was my child that wouldn’t be happening” “ Control your child!”. Why do we do this to our self's, fully knowing that in public or behind closed doors our children have difficulties also? It's time for us to shed ourselves of this shame and as a community stop shaming parents but rather offer support as “ we have all been there!”
Helpful notes:
Embrace the mistakes as an integral part of your child’s success
Reject the urge to put yourself down by your child's difficulties by remembering that you cannot control everything.
Give recognition for trying and failing, take it out of the taboo zone
You Okness is not connected to your children or the opinions of others.
Dispel the lie of the perfect parent and the perfect child... They don’t exist.
References:
Script theory: Eric Berne, Claude Steiner, 1960
